will that mean he didn't die?
Six long years it's not okay
maybe I should give a try.
|Self-Drowning||Immerse in a ghetto of Torah, and pretend the world does not exist.|
|Back to Egypt||Give up on the world, on the future, or on trying to change anything. Just do what you have to do because G‑d says so.|
|Fighting||Prove that we are right and they are wrong.|
|Praying||Rely on G‑d to bring Moshiach real soon.|
All the nice things you said to me,
How did I forget them?
To my face you said them, and on the phone, text, messenger, email, facebook..
I see you after years (months? hearts calculate otherwise) and straightaway my tone goes to the negative, defensive, accusatory.
My heart DOES calculate otherwise.
Why did I skip years? It's beyond me.
Years of attention, love, caring, help, trust, reaching out.
Years of compliments.
Wait, why did I skip em??!
England attic and New York plaza and more before and after.
I'm a nut!
And why didn't I just explain how I felt (in the house)?
Why did I call my soul-friend (in the street)?
Why did I leave myself in that crazy situation? Why did I hurt myself?
Ok, I know why I hurt myself, but why o why didn't I just take a deep mature breath and explain the situation? Sure it would've been embarrassing, mighty embarrassing, but still, the air would've cleared. For eternity! For the eternal past too! And wait, I DID explain once. Before it got so bad. Er, same bad but Europe helps, ya know.
[No, not talking to or about you.]
Maybe you ought to pay for my help this time. Or just be the help.
And you raced to the bus station and I smirked in the bathroom and I legitimately escaped illegitimately and eons before we took a bus. Ye, we TOOK it.
Gosh, this is bothersome.
I'm hooooome!! I'm so happy to be home b"h!! Finally!!!!
After so many months and weeks and days and nights, I'm home!
After so many medical calls and appointments and trips and findings and decisions and reports and actual surgery, I'm home!
After days of recovery in the hospital, at friends, at relatives, I'm finally finally hooooooooooooommmeeeeee!!!
Baruch Hashem!!! Thank You!!!!!
I have the power to create my destiny.
I determine I will be in a home full of love, life and laughter.
I predict treasuring my quiet time and enjoying reading long books (guilt-free) and writing articles and watching videos.
I will love my visitor time both in person and via phone or text or email.
I will always have who and what I need at the right time.
I will think about the big zechus I just had and that will inspire me.
I will take life day by day and not worry about not having any structure to look forward to.
I will smile and be calm and happy because Hashem is my Father and knows what's in my heart and He loves me and is taking care of me.
I like that I'm as browsing through their online articles, they give me a call! That was so crazily cool!
Oh and I love that it's the social worker checking up on me. Hehe. Oh and I just LOVE that when she was trying to explain which building I'm gonna be in for recovery, she described it as "the one where you walked into with Chris." I'm like "Uh it's great how ALL you guys know EVERY detail about my breakdown." And brilliant* social worker that she is, answers "Oh no, not at all, we just meet as a team." Huh??! Yeah hon maybe you need another vacation...
*grab a spoon to catch that sarcasm
Oh yes it does.
When you come to the airport 2 and a 1/2 hours before your domestic flight (because you packed on time and left early and there was no traffic), when there is no line for the self check in monitor, when you are not checking in any luggage, when you zip through the security line, when security doesn't stop you for anything (including the laptop you left in your bag), and you still have about two full hours until your flight, THAT'S WHEN DEPARTURE GATE 1 EXISTS!
G-d, I won't believe anyone that claims to understand You :)
Wood walls are intense.
They can be very warm and cozy, or lonely and stifling.
I saw some pictures of a few of the (newly renovated) donor suites at Mt Sinai and I sure hope that whoever is enclosed in those wooden paneled room has a lot of fun, special and awesome* guests.
*Won't it be wasome if Itche Kadoozy comes to visit me when I'm in the hospital?!
Am I dreaming? Did an utterly fantastic far-off desire actually become, so suddenly, my pinch-me like reality?
There were only a few short months that raced by as I morphed from an outsider to an insider. Beautifully reminiscent of the surprising speed of an aircraft journey from Outside Israel to Inside Israel.
The haste tickles. Time seems appropriate for colossal change to occur.
I'm (almost) in! Bh!
VANILLA FLAVOURED ICE CREAM ON A STICK WITH WHITE CHOCOLATE AND MILK CHOCOLATE COATING AND NOUGAT FLAVOURED RIPPLE
So there IS a G-d...!
At the end of my draining, overwhelming, lonely, sad, scary, headachey, starving, weak and bawling day, I have discovered the medical benefits of the above mentioned medication and decided that perhaps a puppy would be a wise purchase.
I thought she might surprise me and be there waiting at 10:45. That maybe hearing my voice accidentally break (as a sob crept up), she would return to her original plan of coming with me. I didn't expect it but thought it would be super incredible if I walked up and saw her.
But nu nu. Obviously I can handle it alone if that's what He's arranging for me.
I would have accepted if either of my friends - the girl or woman in 770 - would have been able to come.
But again, I guess it's in my best interests to go alone.
(Derek Jeter on the radio DID make me smile and feel a bit better :))
I just took my third shower for the day.
Feels great :)
Hey it's to make up for all the times when I'm in third world countries and have no access to clean water!
No, I'm not interested in signing up for Shower Management classes. Thank you for asking.