Tuesday, October 31, 2006

לך לך

And I took the easy way out.
I went to Elon Moreh and smiled smug.
Not this time, I hope.
Smug is no match for real satisfact.
For real change.
For real live leaving and learning, going and doing.

I'm as Abraham as you are, let's get packin.


Monday, October 30, 2006


You shoulda seen the smile that burst out. The cheer that got splashed all over. My, even my hair looked good after it. Like a withered flower that got rained upon. Like an ill princess that finally basked in the garden sun. Complete rejuvenation. Revival of the down.

Thanks It for those 17:33.

like my pores..

im openin n closin, openin n closin, openin n closin.

what am i doing??

Sunday, October 29, 2006

some of the motley lines that walked through it-

.....Is it his low self esteem that's causing the irritation? Or is it my pride?

.....Do they realize that I don't care one bit about them? Probably not. They think so highly of themselves and their dumb opinions. Ha. I'm gloatin. I know its not nice but they'll never know. Ha.

.....All the words have been taken. All the phrases bought. It leaves me frowning.

...So how does it work? The mature mature and the rest watch? Should kindergarten teachers not substitute for psychics? (Will I forever live alone on this island? Will company sink it?)

.....Momentizing the moment took too much marathoning. I let it go.

.....And as the space got smaller and smaller, my heart got squeezed tighter and tighter until finally the space was gone-and at that moment my emotions were too. (a tear trickles)

.....Norim kosit. Norim kosit should be all the day, all the way. So why didn't they?

.....The hearts broke-from sadness, and some from joy. But the joyous ones didn't realize the sadness of it all, and the ones feeling sad didn't realize they should be rejoicing.

.....You might be prettier outside, and you are, but I might be prettier inside, and I am.

.....She stood on the dam. So close to the water, so very close. She knew she should leave or just let the waters go. Pick one already. But she stood strong, and locked the waters away. Everytime. Good for her.

.....And then suddenly, with prior warning, the smells of Israel gathered and rushed towards me, makin me feel faint. I stood there, weak in the face of such bravery and courage. Such loyalty, such dedication. The sand was all about; desert, desert. The flag did a furious dance and never moved. And the face. O the face. Hard and thoughtful, soft and sensitive. Experienced and aged, naive and young. The face. I felt my insides tangling up. Or, where they finally untangling?

.....You look at me. You look at her. You whisper. You nod. You comment. You have no idea what you are talking about. Not about her and not about me. You have no idea. None. So be quiet, please. Be quiet. And take your admiration elsewhere. Thank you.

.....Ah she was so perfect, so unreal. Her dress, her ankles. Her walk, her lips. Her pose her purse. Ah. And the perfect husband. Ahhhh the envy. I looked inside her perfect purse. Oh. A perfectly folded funeral notice. Oh.

[I want to write more, to remember, but I've arrived too late for that, mad hatter]

Friday, October 27, 2006

society samplin

to understand without investment

ahhh the (complicated) beauty of it

p.s. sabratic* scientists are not required to reveal their sources
p.p.s. see, my posts are only cryptic to those who haven't bothered tryin to crack** me

*machlokes whether the second 'a' (in the word 'sabratic) is a long 'a' or short 'a'
**im not askin to be cracked (uh i think i am already)

while big bird sends his package...

...ill be writin my life

Sunday, October 22, 2006

uh math problems?

"Well ok, maybe it wasn't a MAJORITY of them, but it was definitely at least half."

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Coffee With My Enemies

thanks my frie friend

(err that looks like a stutterin mistake)

Eli, all the ink in the world would be sufficient for me to thank you for your graciousness but there is no way in azazel that I am scroungin around this huge universe to do that. Rather, I shall dedicate this post to you and your (gasp!) mitzvah.

(applause dies down as Eli gets up to deliver acceptance speech)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

ha, the day i like White Sneakers....

two stupid people

moshe and willie
both are terrible for business and both have been doing it for years so I don't know why they haven't picked up anything useful.
both are incredibly dumb in their thought, speech and action.
two stupid people
but i dont want to talk badly of moshe-he's a jew.
i love him, he's a jew.
he has a neshama, hashem should shower countless blessings upon him and his family and i hope he will always be happy. (ignorance is bliss....)
but willie
oy willie
that guy must be doing it on purpose
i mean, really now
ach my heart aches for the stupidity borne, i cannot speak of it
suffice it to say that i chewed the receipt i got from him so any stupid things i do in the future, can be blamed on him (ki hanefesh habasar badam hoo)
stupid willie
stupid stupid willie

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Soldier´s Death Bridges Gaps

He's gone.
Sgt. Bnayah Rein, 27 years old.
Killed in battle during recent war with Lebanon.
After his death, they are carrying on what he lived for.

He's not gone.

(Remember to try clicking on the title. Credit for this one goes to Aliza.)

dis baby sheenuh (k"ah of course)

Monday, October 16, 2006

Schools to Mark 20 Years Since Ron Arad Fell Captive

The nation’s public schools will address the upcoming 20th anniversary of Israel Air Force navigator Ron Arad falling into captivity.

Arad’s plane went down over Lebanon in October 1986, and he has remained in captivity since.

On Sunday, members of Arad’s air force class protested in Jerusalem, calling on the government to do what is necessary to obtain his release, specifying that Arad must be included in any and all future prisoner release agreements.


I met Alon; I met Aytan.

Walking amongst the foreigners with that spaced out look that salespeople are born to zoom in on, I wasn't surprised when the blond guy in the weird black shirt stopped me and asked if he can show me his products. "Listen dude, I'm not interested in buying no ---- , so you'll just be wasting your time" (oddly enough, because purchasing/sampling this exact product was one of the reasons I came to the mall).
"listen you dont have to buy anything, im only SHOWING it to you"Sucks he's not Israeli-so many of these vendor folks are. Nu nu. O wait, he is talkin kinda funnily but hey, that doesnt mean much. Hmmm I really think he IS from Israel though (must be the shirt).....
Convincing and persuading back n forth for a minute and then I say, "wait, where you from?".
"Ahh I knew it, ok im ready to listen. What do you wanna sell me?"
blah blah blah yes no yes no try it out looks good but who knows these things only last for a bit, no i swear itll be good for at least 10 months ya right u callin me a liar chalilah im just saying its quite unbelievable but i dont doubt u for a moment al tidag ok continue breathing
"so whats ur name?"
"chava, and yours?"
"yaffe. where u from in israel?"
(giggly gasp) "hows ur house?"
"my house is fine, we werent hit"
"where were you?"
"i was there in chaifa.."
"walla..i have a good friend from there, hadar. hadar elyon"
"ken ken i know where that is"
twenty minutes of arguin politics, tryin to sell the product ("listen you dont have to buy anything, im only SHOWING it to you"), chattin bout eretz yisrael, and meeting the chatan
"hey! you have yosef's number? this guy here lives near him and he said he hasnt been in a sukkah yet this chag."
"ya sure, here it is..hey mister, she drivin you crazy?"
(scared to answer due to the look in my eyes and the uzi in my hands)
chatan ambles off, alon and i share mock exasperated glares, ach hakatan passes by lookin for the chatan, o well ya missed him, life goes on
"listen you dont have to buy anything, im only SHOWING it to you"
"so wait, you live in israel or america? what about your parents? they were born there and moved here? or born here and moved there? where are you a citizen of?"
i answer v'ani mitzta'eret but i cant write it up here
"hey can i ask you a question?"
"what does it mean when people ask me 'how much does it run for?'"
"it means 'how much does it cost b'erech, whats the price range?'"
"oh you see the first time someone asked me, i thought she meant how long will it last for so i answered '10 months'. she asked again 'how much does it run for' so i answered again and then finally i tell her 'listen, my english is not so good'. so she says 'how much does it cost???'
"ya its funny now but then i was so confused. i figured it out after a while because everyone keeps saying that...so thats what it means? 'how much is it b'erech? is it a new slang?"
"no, not at all. people might also ask "how much does it go for?"
"how much does it go for, how much does it run for..i bet that it used to be'how much does it walk slowly for?"
"ehhh not quite. k so back to thissssssss"
"listen, im going to give you the lowest price i am able to."
pulls out price list/scam list
"look here. you see this-the least i can sell it for is 20 dollars. to one lady sold it for 35, to another for 30 and to two, for 20 dollars. and you see this-"
"ya ya i believe you. but its still a lot of money if i buy the whole set"
"ok but im giving you the lowest price."
"heh, you like my shirt?"
"no, its ugly and weird, so israeli"
"in america they dress so much *worse*"
"mah pitom?? youre joking, right? ur shirt is sooo typical israeli. thats actually how i first guessed you were israeli-all those words in a swirl.."
"hehe, its hypnotizing, no? thats how i sell everything ~waves hands in front of my face~ here, buy this for 200 dollars"
"hehe! ur nuts but i bet it works.."
"you know what? watch my bags for a sec im gonna go run into a store and ask someone elses opinion before I buy something this expensive" (starts runnin)
"heyy! its not expensive, i told u ill give it to you for less...!"
yea yea
"hi ms, i was wonderin if i can ask ur opinion on something. you see, ive never really had any experience with this so i have no idea what to expect and i dont know if this is normal and im thinkin im overpayin maybe...?
"oh my! this suits you perfectly. i think you should go for it, its really nice, honestly."
"yah? u sure? i mean i dunno..its not too shiny over there? and not too yadda yadda yadda?"
"absolutely not. i didnt even notice the shine until u pointed it out to me. im going to say it again-it really looks good on you"
(sidebar customer-)" let me see it, yes it is nice. really nice."
"ya? ur sure? (gosh when did i become so insecure??)
suddenly i hear "chaaaaaaaaava"
ha, alon (owner) is calling me
sidebar customer is harassin him
i dont convince her to buy anything but we drive her sufficiently insane (ex: tell her alon is my son, try selling her the product, talk about her in hebrew...) that she finally leaves.
back to the product and to life
"listen, trust me on this-im a professional..did this in israel and america."
"you know i published two books?"
"b'emet?? on this?"
"nope. short stories. and im workin on a novel now, a scary scary one"
shiver shiver
"so wait whats ur name again? and last name? i gotta go see"
"check in steimatzky for ..."
"o i will. yay! i have a famous friend! uh were friends, right?"
we talk about the girlfriend who he wont be seeing for 5 months-a mans gotta make money, yknow, and what halacha says about marriage. we talk about belief in hashem, keepin mitzvot, personal training, honesty and russians.
"k fine ill take it" (after phone calls to the beach and guilt trips from the owner-whatever happened to 'listen you dont have to buy anything, im only SHOWING it to you'???)
ya ya

march off
march all around the mall
decide i hate the product
i pass by alons stand
someones standin there
dont feel like arguin
twenty minutes to closing time
another israeli vendor swoops down on me
"hi, can i show you something?"
"ehh i no spik inglish"
"Oh, that is ok (speaking very s-l-o-w-l-y and CLEARLY), just LOOK at this cream that-"
"ehh no understand. only ebrew"
"ah b'emet?? at midaberet ivrit??"
"hehe stam ani ovedet alecha, of course i speak fluent english..."
"MAH?? ani lo ma'amin!! ani erog otach..."(followed by a long string of non-publishable hebrew curses/slang/yowls)
we laugh together
"listen mister, dont even start with me-im annoyed now from the other israeli down there who sold me this, i changed my mind bout it"
"no no, you dont have to buy anything, i just wanna show it to you"
"you know, every time i meet jews here, they always talk with such chutzpah. whats with you guys? you would think that jews would be the nicest.."
"hey listen, im sorry. i didnt mean to be rude, i just cant believe that i bought all that from the other guy. and come on-you really want us to be all polite and american-like? im only talking like this to you BECAUSE i care about you, because of my love for you-thats why!"
"at tzodeket, at tzodeket. im sorry, i really do like it ;)"
"mahjnun. i mean it-only to a fellow sabra can i talk like this!"
wide grin
"where you from?"
"i was from gush katif"
"what does 'was' mean?"
"b'ritzinut? you mean you didnt hear of-"
"lo lo, of course i heard of it. was there so often, gush katif...i was askin if you moved out there before the hitnatkut or because of it.."
"ah, no-because of it. i was kicked out"
"oof. oof oof. hey, look at this"
"ha! seret katom! yaffe!"
"todah todah. so which yishuv did you live in?"
"elai sinai. its not really IN gush katif, its more north near dugit and-"
"ya ya, nissanit as well, nachon"
"walla! so you really do know gush katif"
"uh huh. hey, here take this pen, this orange gush katif pen, as a memory of all the people who fought for you"
cuts out emotional inside sabra stuff (aka sweet mushiness)
"soooo did you shake lulav and etrog yet this chag?"
"no. i cant. i work here till 9 at night and i start-"
"at nine in the morning. yes yes i heard all that already from the guy down there. hey you should be friends with him."
"i have enough friends. if he wants to be my friend, let him come to me."
"woahhhh y'mistalbet! where do you live? ill tell you where you can shake lulav"
he lives in the same area as alon and my cousin yosef, one of the chabad shluchim living there.
"lemme get a pen to write down some info for you...is that vendor over there israeli?"
"no, arab, yemach shemo"
"sh'yamoot. mavet l'aravim mavet l'aravim mahhhhhhhhhhvet uh ya ill go get the pen"
"alo can i borrow that pen please?"
"shukran!" (arabic for 'thank you')
hmm no reaction. i guess he doesnt understand.
"rooch min hoon!"
a gasp from aytan sends me runnin for shelter behind his cash register.
"mah at, mishugaat?? at normalit bichlal!??!"
"ehh i didnt think he understood..i dunno.."
"ya ya zeh beseder, he probably didn't, different dialects y'know.."
does the whole dead sea product thing wow wow
"bought something similar in tiveria. by the hot springs. didnt work. smelled nice though"
"ok but this one will. i promise. i know what im talking about"
"ya of course you gonna say that, youre the owner.."
"thats not true..."
he says he doesnt care to do mitzvot because hashem forgot about him, he claims.
"a father doesnt forget his kids so quickly"
"hmmm you may be right"
"heyy it actually works! but probably only the first time"
"here you know what. take it. i want you to see that i care for you and i believe what im saying and im not just trying to sell you it to you. take this cream, i sell it for 80 dollars (pulls out same papers as the first guy did, oy!) but im giving it to you as as a gift"
"uh why? chashavti sh'amarta sh'ani chutzpanit v'..."
"lah, i like you. take it. i made enough sales today. i can afford to give it away"
"walla, todah, i dont believe it, thanks!"
waves his hand at such nonsense in typical israeli way


too bad i dont have the patience to proofread this piece. it took me too long for what i did type up this far. i learned a lot. hope someone else did too.
gush katif. haifa. lulav n esrog. mivtzoyim. israel. america. malls. bombs. love. hate. gifts. wages. money. life. torah. chabad. father. family. peace. goodness. frustration. sadness. pride. gush katif. haifa.

woah. woah woah.

Thursday, October 12, 2006


ec·ze·ma (ks-m, gz-, g-z-)
[according to dictionary.com]

-Is an acute or chronic noncontagious inflammation of the skin, characterized chiefly by redness, itching, and the outbreak of lesions that may discharge serous matter and become encrusted and scaly.

eczema (egzamuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)
[according to chava dot klum]

1. upgrades chicken salad prep from kibbud eim to mesiras nefesh (with a dash of ahavas YISROEL involved)
2. makes yer fingers get caught on nylon (even if ye careful)
3. makes yer fingers feel like there are band-aids permanently wound around em
(though ull still need em)
4. hurts. both the unwilling owner and anyone in a 32 mile (hearing) radius (believe me on this one)
5. freaks people out (nhehehe)
6. is both dangerous (for soft baby skin) and delightful (on soft baby skin) when holding a baby. (unless of course, the baby is sadistic and thus it would be dangerous for you and delightful for the baby)
7. makes me glad and grateful for my ten fingers (baruch hashem!)
8. is great for scratching that itch..or itchin that scratch (dee-im thinkin of you and a certain show...i dunno if u even read this blog, but regardless..)
9. causes me to reconsider the benefits and evils of herbal savvy (choke!)
10. is something i wish upon my worst enemy (huh? whats a best enemy?)
11. makes ichy sounds when rubbed across certain surfaces/materials
12. should not be worn when holding golf clubs (even mini ones)
13. is slightly relieved when pushing katch's stroller (vs groissa sheina's)
14. is scaring gmail who is consequently offering me EczemaTreatment.ca, SkinIrritation.com, freederm.com and RealAge.com (how sweet of em..just warning you- I do not endorse any of these websites, so dont come crying to me later...)
15. has no cure (az stom et peh v'al tatchilu im ha'eitzot shelachem, bseder??)
16. can be cured by aytan's dead sea products (wanna make a bet?)
17. has nothing to do with why, lately, i havent been writing on my blog. (myyyyyyyyyyyyy blog!)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Please help an agunah (UPDATED):



Some of you might remember the story of the young man and his father-in-law who disappeared while taking a boat-ride and a swim recently. The father-in-law's body turned up, but the young man's did not. Eventually, the search team almost gave up and ended the search, assuming that the body was drawn into some quicksand underwater, leaving the young man's wife an agunah - halachically unable to remarry. Now it seems that someone saw something that looked like a body floated up a short while ago, and the search teams are at it once again, trying to locate it in the area where it is believed to have appeared. Our prayers may mean the difference of a lifetime for this young agunah. Please join us in praying that this woman, mother to twin three-year-olds who only recently had their upsherin, will be spared and will be able to rebuild her life once more.

His name is: Avraham Elimelech ben Yaakov Shmuel HaLevi.

It would be greatly appreciated if this notice was forwarded/linked.
Thank you, and Tizku L'Mitzvos.

And if you can still smell your deodorant after taking a shower, think not: "O my, what a great deodorant I've got"; think: "O my, I suck at taking showers".